The Essence of the Battle

image via Joe Shlabotnik on Flickr

A little insight into the heart/gut/mind battle. There is a popular TV show called Bones. I am rather entertained by the show, and the main character is all about logic. However, she has a baby girl, and after being told it's ok for her to be away from her baby, she says something along the lines of "I know it isn't logical, but I just can't do it." My other sister in law told me about the line, and it's actually what got me to watch the show. 7 seasons just to get to a line. :)

But I often feel the same way. It is usually my gut doing the talking. I used to be a childcare giver. Babysitter? Nanny? However you'd like to put it, I used to do it for a living. I did a very good job. I was certified in emergency care, and the kids liked me. I didn't often have problems. I've taken care of many babies. I've changed a lot of diapers prior to becoming a mom. It's not super difficult. You know the part where you grab their leg or ankles and lift to get underneath? Yeah, I've done that move hundreds of times. That's how you change a diaper. But after my son was born? Suddenly I doubted myself. My heart screamed, "You're too rough!" My mind nagged "You could pull his hip out of its socket." And my gut told them both to shut up. (Thankfully!)

This is what is happening to me all the time! I have this war inside, probably prompted by the fact that I used to be a competent caregiver and suddenly it's a different story because the child is my own. Is that what makes the difference? I've been examining my thoughts and feelings trying to get to the bottom of this and become the confident mama I want to be. Does anyone else have this problem? Where logic says one thing but your heart or gut says another? How do you resolve it?

The Motivation Game

I'm not talking about getting yourself motivated to do something. I'm talking about the real reasons behind your thoughts, feelings and actions. I have been thinking about the battle between my heart, gut, and mind since my son was born. It became obvious right away that beliefs I had held were no longer true in the same way they had been. I also found myself acting in strange ways and I thought I was becoming a person I didn't recognize. But lately I have been trying to break down the real reasons behind what I do, and I find it is easier to find solutions this way.

For example, my biggest breakthrough was when we fan-dangled a bigger bed. I didn't realize how much resentment had been building in me towards my husband. He works nights and it's a relief when he gets home. My son and I instantly sleep easier. But when he decides to come to bed? I would wake up just enough to worry. Was he going to wake the baby? Why couldn't he learn to shut the door without slamming it or get into bed without waking me to ask where the baby was? (I bring our son into bed to nurse him.) I thought he was just insensitive and was getting annoyed.

But after getting a MUCH bigger bed, I don't have those problems any longer. He still shuts the door the same way. He still asks me where the baby is. But I am sleeping better. If he does wake the baby it's not that big a deal to get him back to sleep. I was truly resentful that MY rest was being interrupted. I'm not proud to admit what sleep deprivation was doing to me, but now that we fixed the problem, I can actually see what the problem was. So now I face more problems in that light. What are my true motivations? More sleep? More entertainment? Am I doing this for myself or for someone else? Acting on your own behalf is not selfish if it's something you absolutely need. But if you don't recognize why you are doing something, then you have no idea if the behavior is right or whether it needs to be fixed. So take a look at a reoccurring thought or behavior and truly think about what causes it within you. Then you can decided if you want to keep it or not. :)

Heart/Gut/Mind

How many times have you felt at war with yourself? How often have you had to change your opinion or the way you do things but couldn't truly explain why? I just had my first child, a beautiful boy, close to four months ago, and I find myself split between my feelings, my instinct, and my logic. I thought I was ready for this new season in my life, but I am at war with myself more and more often. I don't promise answers, but I'll share how the war is going. And if I happen to be at peace, why, I'll share that as well for a bit of comfort. 

My heart is full of feelings. It loves, it grieves, it reminds me to give thanks. Unfortunately, unless I keep a firm hand on it, those feelings often turn to guilt, envy, and depression. I don't know why, but I'm working on it. I find talking helps. This is me talking so that my husband won't be overwhelmed. :)

My gut isn't often wrong. However, it doesn't always help me out, preferring to sit back and watch the heart and mind duke it out. Sometimes it only produces vague warnings. I wish it would speak up a little more often. And more clearly.

And my mind is full of fluff and nonsense. Rather smart nonsense, but still irritating to wade through when I consider my every day life. I tend to daydream and to get bored. I like to know things, but often get ahead of myself or plan so far into the future I get discouraged. My son is teaching my to focus on right now, and not look so far ahead.

My son is teaching me many things. To crave joy and be thankful. To improve myself and want to be better. To fight to live a beautiful life, with, or in spite of, my heart, gut, and mind. 

Welcome to the battle. :)